Kiss Me on This Cold December Night Page 9

  He touched her hand.

  ‘Ella, I’m sorry. That’s awful.’

  She shook her head furiously.

  ‘Don’t apologise. Not for him. I am SO over him. He was a total arse. Why the hell would I want to get to know someone like that? But you understand now, why I walked away without saying goodbye back in Devon. That perfect night could never be the foundation for anything strong or long lasting. You see that, don’t you? You can’t build a lasting relationship on a one-night stand.’

  ‘But you’ve gone way beyond that. It’s you against the world and no compromise. You’ll end up going through life on your own because you’re never prepared to let anyone else in.’

  ‘Because I know I can rely on myself. I’m not about to let myself down or disappear out of my own life because I’m too much trouble, am I? What I’m trying to say is that I should never have revisited it. I should never have tracked him down but I did because I believed things could be better second time around. That everything was worth a second chance.’

  She looked up at him.

  ‘That’s why I was reluctant to speak to you at first, when we bumped into each other again. Not because I didn’t want to, or because I regretted what happened between us, but because I didn’t want to ruin it. I loved it, every second of it. I didn’t want to take the risk of finding out that you weren’t all that after all.’ She forced a smile up at him. ‘As it turned out, you were.’

  ‘I don’t care about any of that. When I get back from Barbados, we can get together. Let me show you things can be different for us.’

  She sat up in bed and looked into his eyes, saw the determined expression. When he got back from Barbados. There was the point, right there. Family first. She could never compete with that, not in the long-term.

  Self-preservation won out and she leaned forward to kiss him softly on the mouth.

  ‘You need to get going, Tom. You’ll miss your flight.’

  ****

  He was back in the lobby, but checking out this time. Taxi booked, under time pressure now. Had it really only been a couple of days since he’d stood here and she’d teased him for grouching about the snow?

  He glanced around the lobby and there was no sign of her. No sign that the weekend had even happened. He should have expected this. She’d made her excuses, left him alone to pack and hadn’t reappeared since. Why was he even surprised? After all she’d made it pretty clear that she didn’t do goodbyes. This was the way she wanted it, clearly she was able to move forward without looking back. It was a trick he really needed to perfect for himself.

  For a moment he wondered if part of the perfection of this was that he knew it wouldn’t last? Knew because she wouldn’t let it. Easy to put things on a pedestal when they weren’t subjected to the test of time and daily life. Maybe she was right to let this go – he wasn’t happy in his own life, how could he drag her into it and expect her to be happy too?

  Then he turned to head for the revolving doors and there she was. Thick sweater, jeans and her hair in soft waves, still lightly damp from the shower. He crossed the lobby toward her, put his bags down next to her. He could pick up the warm citrus scent of the hotel shampoo.

  ‘I thought you were going to skip the goodbyes,’ he said.

  ‘Yeah well,’ she said, smiling. ‘I thought I’d try a different approach this time around.’

  He opened his mouth to speak and she stopped it with three fingers.

  ‘Don’t,’ she said. ‘Don’t ruin this by trying to make it into more than it can be. Let it be what it is. Let it be that perfect couple of days.’

  ‘That’s what you really want?’

  Part of him wanted to shake her, talk at her until she gave in. Her infuriating insistence that this was nothing more than a fling. So entrenched in her own way of living that she had no room to consider anything else. No different from the last time. And yet she had changed since last time, hadn’t she? She’d gone through with the goodbye this time.

  ‘Maybe we’re destined to only ever meet by chance,’ he said instead. ‘Who knows, in five years we might run into each other in the street.’

  She smiled into his eyes at that.

  ‘I’ll see you in five years then,’ she said.

  And because his flight was on the brink of leaving, and his responsibilities were well overdue, and because she’d made it crystal clear how this was going to be, he turned and walked toward the waiting taxi.

  CHAPTER TEN

  She’d got through this once before and she could do it again.

  Shopping break weekend over with, Lavington Hotel behind her, and Christmas Day now out of the way. A working Christmas, just like every other year. Card and phone call from her mother but no invitation to visit over the season. As predicted, they were off to Benidorm, which suited Ella perfectly since any moment spent under the same roof as the hideous Gordy would be a moment too many, especially with mistletoe thrown in. Christmas worked perfectly well for her as it was. Triple time on Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Double time for much of the rest of the holiday. The big thaw was well under way now, especially on the coast, and the only evidence that there had ever been a weather front that had thrown her and Tom back together was in the shrinking heaps of greying snow in lay-bys and at the edges of the road where the snowploughs had piled it up. The slushy, miserable aftermath of all that magic. Which was pretty much how it felt when she thought of Tom, and the reason why she was now hurling herself back into work as if her life depended on it.

  She’d taken a job this year at the Harbour Hotel in Looe. The first year she’d gone back there since her Gran had died, and she hadn’t been sure even as she’d contacted the owner and offered her services, that it would be a good idea. She could earn more working in one of the cities. Yet it seemed easier now, to go back to the tiny coastal town where she’d been so happy for a time. Comforting, rather than painful. Instead of feeling the loss this time she was able to enjoy the icy cold salt air and the Christmas lights strung around the harbour. It occurred to her that maybe that was the key, maybe five years was some kind of a cut off point for getting over things.

  If that were the case then she’d just set herself right back to the beginning when it came to Tom.

  For Pete’s sake, there he was again, drifting through her mind when he was meant to be securely filed away under ‘past encounters.’

  She would take the wrenching sadness in her chest at the fact it was over because she was the one who’d taken the risk. She’d gone into it with her eyes open. She’d got over him once and so she’d thought he hadn’t been all that, had believed she could take the fun from the encounter and not get stung by the aftermath.

  She’d been wrong.

  She knew now she’d never really got over him, had never really moved on. Who had she been close to since? Liz? A couple of other girlfriends? No man had moved her in the way he had. And she had no one to blame but herself. She’d flouted her no-second-time rule at her peril, and there was nothing to do now except get on with things.

  She should never have broken that rule, but at least she’d pulled things around before they went any further. A clean break, that was the best policy. Because if it hurt now, how much worse would it be if she’d let it go further? She dreaded to think, because it felt pretty damn crushing now thank you very much.

  ****

  A tiny, skinny cliff road covered with sheet ice; he must be totally nuts.

  Tom Henley shifted gear down yet again and concentrated hard on seeing further ahead than the ten or so feet the coastal fog and his dipped headlights allowed. No time for reckless driving now. He hadn’t spent Christmas rejigging his responsibilities and making sacrifices only to zip off the edge of a cliff before he could even find her. And of course the biggest hurdle still lay ahead. Her stubbornness scared him far more than a bit of sea-fog and ice.

  The road began to descend and as he drove through the town centre, heading for the seafront, the mist thinn
ing enough for him to pick out the coloured Christmas lights on houses lining the harbour.

  Knowing the name of the town was one thing of course, finding the bloody restaurant was another, but of course he was helped by the fact her grandmother had lived here. Local people would know Ella, might be able to point him in the right direction. He struck lucky in the fourth pub, where the landlord knew Ella. From there it was just a short walk. The air was crystal clear and he could taste the salt in it as he walked.

  The Harbour Hotel had steamy windows and a low-beamed rustic bar that ran the length of the building, mismatched furniture and a live band playing loud jaunty music. With it being New Years Eve, the barwas packed to the rafters and you couldn’t have shoehorned in another reveller if you’d tried. He shouldered his way to the bar and ordered a beer.

  Minutes ticked by, enough for him to wonder if he’d got the right place after all, and then suddenly there she was. Black skinny trousers, white shirt, tray of drinks held at shoulder height and a look of disbelief on her face.

  ‘Happy New Year,’ he said.

  ****

  With her tray of drinks delivered, she nodded her head toward the outer lobby of the hotel, where it was possible to actually hear yourself think.

  ‘It hasn’t been five years,’ she said, turning around and looking up at him, eyes wide.

  ‘I know,’ he said, drinking her in with his eyes. ‘It’s been ten days.’ She looked tired. For Pete’s sake, she’d probably worked all the hours she could over the festive season and she was clearly run off her feet. Her way of avoiding the fact that she was celebrating Christmas and New Year all on her own. He felt the desperate urge to take her away from that grind, look after her, give her some of the support she lacked.

  ‘Long enough for me to know I don’t want it ever to be any longer than that,’ he said. ‘Long enough for me to check on my father and talk to both my parents.’

  ‘About?’

  ‘My life, what I want from it. A way of maybe achieving that without letting them down.’ He shrugged. ‘A compromise.’

  ‘And?’

  He looked away briefly, she saw the guilt flash across his face.

  ‘My father was disappointed. Of course he was, I always knew he would be. He was pretty low on the first day but I think he’s coming round to it now. He told me it did worry him, me taking on all that responsibility so young – he didn’t join the practice himself until he was nearly forty. He’d spent time as an army doctor, you see. In a way, he knew exactly where I was coming from all along. If I’d only confided in him earlier instead of keeping quiet for fear of upsetting him, things could have been very different.’

  ‘So what about joining the practice? I thought you were going to take over in the New Year. That’s tomorrow.’

  ‘I’ll still need to take a background role in the management. We’ll take on an extra partner and I’ll take some blocks of time out to do some charity trips.’ He shrugged. ‘It’ll take some time to organise but I’ll get there.’ He held her gaze steadily with his own. ‘So then there’s just you and me to sort out.’

  Her heart was pounding in her chest as he took her hand.

  ‘I want us to be together, Ella. Yes, I’ll be away on the occasional trip, but I’ll be based here. You can build up your business, we can move forward and have a future together.’ He paused. ‘Unless I’m not really what you want. If you still want to walk away, say so now and I’ll leave you in peace. Your obsession with the perfect night, the perfect fling, your determination never to revisit the past. How can you ever expect to make something work in the long-term if you can’t face seeing how it will work outside that bubble? We’re strong enough for that, Ella, I really think we are, but we won’t know until we try.’

  ‘Did you really think I walked away either time because of some shortfall of yours?’ She couldn’t keep back a mirthless laugh. ‘For Pete’s sake, could you be any more perfect? You were a doctor, you had the world at your feet, a close family who loved you and a fabulous supportive upbringing. I knew I’d never measure up. I could never fit in your life, even just the tiny bit of it that I knew about told me that. And I’d been left behind so many times, Tom. I didn’t want to be left behind by you.’

  His heart turned achingly over in his chest as he looked at her.

  ‘Your family background couldn’t be more different to mine. My parents were never there for me. The only person who really ever fought my corner was my Gran, and I lost her too. I couldn’t face dealing with that again so I kept people at a distance. I decided I’d make my own security in life, without having to rely on anyone else. But it was so hard at first.

  ‘That first night I spent with you was the first time since Gran died that I actually felt like I could be happy, like I could turn things around. I looked at you with your life mapped out and your big dreams and I knew I might not have your support network and cheerleading family but I was still determined to make something of my life, for me. Not for anyone else.’

  She shrugged.

  ‘I thought by leaving early I’d get in first. If I’d stayed in bed with you that morning I knew exactly what I was in for. We would have spent an hour or two together, we would have had coffee, maybe in that little beach café where they gave you free top-ups and you could watch the tide come in and still be warm. We would have made awkward small talk because both of us knew our time was up. And then it would have been time for you to go and drive to the airport, catch your flight. We would have said our goodbyes and that would be an end to it. And when it came right down to it I just couldn’t face that. I decided to get in first – I somehow thought it would be easier if I could make it my decision.’ She shrugged. What it comes down to is that it would have ended anyway last time around. You would still have said goodbye if I’d hung around to hear it. I just didn’t give you the chance.’

  ‘That’s where you’re wrong,’ he said. ‘I was going to suggest we stay in touch.’

  Her heart lurched.

  ‘Yeah, yeah, you say that now-‘

  ‘It’s true,’ he said, and held both hands up at her cynical expression. ‘Just for the record… I wasn’t going to just leave.’

  ‘Even if you hadn’t,’ she said. ‘It would never have lasted. Nothing’s changed, Tom. I told you my views. Nothing long-term can come from something that’s grounded on sex. However hot the sex,’ she added.

  ‘I know,’ he said. ‘I’ve got a loophole for that.’ His grin was triumphant, as if he’d been expecting this from her. ‘We’re up to two now with our flings. How many do you reckon we need to have before we become grounded in something more than just sex?’

  She was shaking her head at him like she thought he might have lost his mind.

  ‘I think we should have another fling. Right now. To take us over New Year. Then we’ll see what we both want to do – where we want to go, what our commitments are – and we’ll schedule another one. I’ll book the hotel, you meet me there. I reckon half a dozen might do it. By then I’ll have you paring down your luggage, and maybe I will have met some of your friends. We won’t be the one-night stand couple anymore. Our lives will start to overlap more and more and we’ll have a foundation. We can build a future on one of those.’

  Quiet tendrils of hope began to course their way through her body. He’d come back. Christmas in Barbados hadn’t been enough of a pull to keep him through to New Year.

  He tapped his head.

  ‘It’s mind over matter. You’re determined to view us as having no chance because you equate our relationship to your parents. That’s really unfair to us. We were lucky enough to have fate bring us back together and…’

  ‘Will you please stop bringing bloody fate into it!’ she said, exasperated. ‘Fate hasn’t been kind to me over the years.’

  ‘That’s exactly my point,’ he said, pulling her into a cuddle. ‘I think fate owes you one. Maybe it’s time we took charge of it.’

  She let her arms slide
around his neck. He had an answer for every damn reservation. Whispers of tentative excitement began to spread through her as she tested the idea in her mind. She, Ella Scott, was thinking long-term and including someone else in those plans. It felt totally alien and at the same time intoxicating.

  Somewhere in the background the countdown to midnight began, with more and more voices chiming in. And then he was kissing her, his arm around her waist, his hand tangling in her hair.

  New Year. New beginnings. Second chances.

  She gave fate a chance and kissed him back.

  THE END

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